10 Years a Zombie
This is my Fun Story Short:
I was living as a Zombie for almost 10 years, until I was “truth-slapped” not too long ago. Not “bitch-slapped”, but “truth-slapped” into a new perspective.
Truth slap #1 – If you feel everyone around you is an asshole; you’re probably the asshole.
Truth slap #2 – Why are you trying to please dead people?
Almost 10 years ago this year, my best friend – my mother – died. She dropped dead while on a treadmill. My mom, a Registered Nurse, would say, “When you die… you’re dead. Hopefully you won’t suffer and go quick.”
Well mom, you got your wish.
We (my mom and I) would travel around together. I did talks on stress, exercise & weight loss and worked as a RN to pay my bills. I talked about what my irrational want was and still is today – NOT having my thighs rub together and ways to reduce your thunder thighs. I tried to be “professional”, but often my stand-up comedian part of me would come out. I would even drop the “F bomb” if it fit.
Needless-to-say, I was called “unprofessional” and not asked back. But crazy enough I did still got referrals. So it was worth it for me, stepping out and being myself.
It was risky.
Eventually I went too far. NOT the right audience anymore. Nobody laughed anymore…
In my world, there is a time to be serious, but most times not.
Some times my mom seemed to be the only one who laughed out loud at my jokes I made from the stage. BUT, that laughter would start other laughter, it would be contagious. GOOD TIMES! She was my regular “laugh track” and true supporter.
But after she died, suddenly the way she did, I retreated from the laughter and felt that I HAD to continue to work as a nurse, for her – NOT me.
I was never the best nurse or employee anywhere.
My attempts at trying be someone that I wasn’t – was, in hindsight, comical.
From stealing toilet paper to calling out because I had an audition to pretending a paranoid patient’s food was poisoned (yes, heresy I know), I was in the wrong place. Ever feel like you’re just in the wrong place?
I stopped caring about my patients. I was written up, never fired but asked to leave. The “nursing shortage” saved my job(s) many times. (ie: They wanted to fire me, but it was a Friday [3-11] evening before a holiday weekend)
To top it off, everyone around me was an asshole.
“Ya know, when everyone around you is an asshole… YOU’RE probably the asshole!” (Truth Slap #1)
AND “You’re not just in the wrong place, you’re doing the wrong thing. Change your audience and do what you are naturally good at doing. And one more thing… Why are you trying to please dead people?” (Truth Slap #2)
This is what I was told by a couple of people in so many words.
I have heard this before. But it didn’t resonate then.
We may want to do things in the memory of people, but not with the guilt and shame I had. My mom would not have wanted me to be miserable. After all she laughed at my jokes and I have some of her sense of humor.
That is what I honor her with now. Not doing something I hate.
I love nurses. My mother was a great nurse.
But I hate nursing, the job, the work, the rules. And the icing on the cake about me and being in the wrong place was, I am sarcastic and I don’t have a warm & fuzzy personality. “Maybe if you stopped eating cheese fries and didn’t sit on your ass for 16 hours a day for 15 years, you wouldn’t be losing your foot today”, that was my feeling for this patient – not very compassionate, right?
(But deep down, how many of you agree?)
One thing that nursing showed me was my BIGGEST FEAR – “Who will wipe my butt?” Very scary to me.
Working with athletes/teaching in the fitness industry was my original study and work, but I couldn’t make any money.
So, after nursing school, with my wit and persistence (or the “Art of Bullshit”), I got a job that “dream job” in nursing that would never have made it to the paper (no internet, like now), educating my community about health, wellness & prevention.
To my surprise, even with my 11 certifications and college degrees and licenses, I finally realized that prevention was a NO SELL – I was just preaching to the choir (people who knew, people too fearful to have a test or people who couldn’t afford it). Not many people would take committed action or pay out of pocket for prevention.
After 14 years, our “health prevention department” was closed. It made no money for the hospital. Time to go. (Some naive nurses couldn’t believe it was all about money… c’mon give me a break!)
Then I got a bright idea of trying to combine fitness & nursing. What a disaster and huge waste of effort, time & money. That’s another story.
So for 10 years, I was just wandering from the roller coaster ride of making great money to eating rice & beans in some internet businesses involving fitness, nursing and teaching.
I was even a masseuse during the rice & beans time (no formal training, if you know what I mean).
Hell, I was a “Jack of All Trades; Master of
None Telling Stories” But I did not know it yet.
No one really trusted what I was saying, promoting because I wasn’t authentic with them. I didn’t believe it myself. I was being “incongruent”. Not in alignment with how I feel, what I believe and who I am.
I was afraid of offending people and I held back.
It is my nature to take risks and be transparent, be real.
It started to effect my health.
I wasn’t quite alive – I was breathing and going through the motions – I wasn’t really alive. For almost 10 years, I was a zombie.
But not any more.
Today I don’t worry about offending people. I don’t want to be an offensive person, but I will not walk on eggshells. I love this I heard from David Neagle,
“I don’t have the power to offend anyone. If I say “you’re fat” and you have bad emotional ties to that word, you’re offended… If you’re even somewhat over weight, but you are in good shape, you’re fee loved and love others, and I say, “you’re fat”, you shush me off… like something’s wrong with me.
The offense is in you; not in me. Otherwise both people would be offended.”
So, be offended.
If I dish it out; I have to be able to
take it run.
Well, I did the next best thing…
I found my heart’s desire (my mom would be proud) and
I created a “persona” of who I want to be in public…
that persona is “Minky” and her loyal assistant Pang Pang.
The rest is going to be history… Ha!
THAT’S IT. The rest (the following) is extra. FYI. My original Fun Story Short (10 Years A Zombie) stops HERE.
Lori ‘Minky’ Radcliffe, A Heretic*, Storyteller, A Sit Down Comedian & 30lb. Weightloss Mentor
Minky is my “character or persona”. A professional misfit.
Here’s the definition of “persona”:
the aspect of someone’s character that is presented to or perceived by others.“her public persona”
a role or character adopted by an author or an actor.
As the host of the “Nobody’s Listening Show”, a parody on diet, fitness & personal freedom and the new game show, “Fun Story Short”; Minky (Me) has strong, comical and often “heretical” opinions about diet, exercise and the pursuit of personal liberty and has surrounded myself with people who laugh at my jokes and lift me up. I enjoy listening to their stories. I suggest you do the same.
Here are some of Minky’s heretical opinions that make up her character/persona:
Minky’s heretical opinions:
- The Aunt Marys and Uncle Joes of the world DON’T have “fitness goals”, only fitness people do.
- I am a proud UN-hyphenated American & yearn for “personal freedom” in everything I do, that includes what I eat, when I eat, where I eat and exercise too. I am closest to Libertarian values.
- Candy ruins your appetite. Exactly!
- You’re NOT a “Jeep kind of a gal”, if you can’t drive a stick shift.
- Kids are germ magnets. (I don’t like kids)
- My motto, “The only thing LOW-FAT in my kitchen is ME!”
- Balance, “life balance” is bunk. Counter-balancing is what we do best.
- There are no healthy people. Only people trying to get healthier.
- Regardless of political views, I LOVE the Jerry Springer show, Martha Stewart, Ice Tea, Judge Judy, Vanna White, Jimmy Kimmel, David Neagle, Mr. Wonderful that rich, balding (testosterone) guy from Shark Tank and Michael Savage.
- I can’t stand it when companies instruct their receptionist to answer the phone, “How may I direct your call?” Me – “You can direct it to someone who can answer a phone with the intent on helping me or just use an automated system already.”
- Don’t exercise to lose weight. (DE2LW – Exercise for any other reason except weight loss) (Pride)
- There is a time to be serious; but most times not.
- Do need to exercise to build your thighs. (If you want thunder thighs. Thunder Thighs look good on some people, like “the Rock”, a young Arnold Schwarzenegger, even Serena Williams. But not on me.)
- No exercise on Mondays.
- Everybody judges. Yes – even you. So get over it. As soon as you say, “I don’t judge.” I know that you most certainly do. If it makes you feel any better, call it “discernment”. It’s normal. It’s human nature. It’s self-preservation. If you want to quote the Bible, do me a favor and quote the whole “judgement quote”, not just the first part that makes you feel “holier” than thou.
- You have to enjoy laughing if you want to hang around me.
- “Incongruency” (not being aligned with who you are and your beliefs) stresses you more than you will ever know.
- Can’t burn fat on your ass, when you have food in your stomach.
- I love Pilates and how it makes me feel.
- People eat too fucking much. (Gluttony)
- You can instantly improve you face… smile. (fake it if necessary)
- I have an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude. I’m NOT indifferent (Sloth), on the contrary, I am comfortable with being different. “Shrugging your shoulders” is indifferent. Staring failure in the face and showing it your middle finger back at it is saying, “I don’t give a fuck!”. Is being different.**
- Most times I like dogs better than people. They are loyal and sincere. And don’t care that you blame them for farting.
- Even though I don’t like kids, laughing babies are hilarious to me!
- Has no/poor health insurance
- BABB – Be Anything But Boring
- Stop using the word “super” unless it’s in front of “man”, “woman”, “bowl” or “market”
And in the real spirit of heresy:
- A Black Trump supporter. I’ve always liked Donald Trump. Consistently – Get it Done. At all and/or any cost.
Let the reality show begin. Let’s shake things up. “The sky isn’t falling!” Way too much bureaucracy in Washington for that.
(I’m still working the 7 Deadly Sins angle. Work in progress. 🙂 )
I have been on at least 50 diets over the years. I like to experiment on myself. Knowing my body so well, I determined not just how I looked but how I felt on each diet. I have a notebook of most of diets I have tried. Laughter & Exercise, I must say was always a common denominator in my life, not just every diet. (I didn’t exercise to lose weight – DE2LW principle is a change in mindset to “why” you exercise. Exercise should be done because, in my opinion, how it makes you feel.)
Contact me at my private email here:
loriminkyradcliffe at gmail dot com
*A Heretic is someone with a unorthodox opinion.
Here’s a link to pics of my bio if you are really interested:
I don’t do it all alone. I have some help. My 1st and loyal assistant is a pug named Pang Pang.
…Jersey Shore PangPang*
PangPang means “fat” in Chinese.
I dislike the lower abdominal fat that appears during peri-menopause and sitting around with fat pugs. We call them FUPWAs for women and Dicky-Dos for men…
Yes, I admit to watching crotches. I am concerned with bulges in the wrong places and want to help others who care about how they look in shorts/pants.
I specialize in improving the body area in people from their “NAVEL to their KNUCKLE” (N2K).
I have most of my adult life, looked at crotches.
Am I nasty?
Here is one of many talks I gave. Notice the title, not typical…
There’s a coach for every person, problem and thing! So why not one for your crotch area, from your navel to your knuckle?
I help your crotch look better in your clothes. Why not?
Living the C.C.R.A.N. Lifestyle (exercise, Calorie Cycling & Restriction Adequate Nutrition and sleep) encompasses all of these benefits:
- Reduce the “Dicky-Do” in men and
- “Fix the F.U.P.W.A.” in women
- Flatten your tummy
- Don’t Exercise 2 Lose Weight (DE2LW) mindset
Haven’t you done this: When people look at your crotch and you know you look at theirs, you form an opinion, in your mind, by what they see there.
(I performed my act, “3 Men and a Minky”)
(I was the emcee here. I did jokes in-between acts.)
So, what groups, organizations, audiences, businesses are you involved in who can benefit from my experiences, with a side dose of exercise & diet humor?”
Here I am striking the same pose, 31 years later.
This is me last summer, 7/7/2015 below, my Honey snapped the shot right after he commented on my lower pouch (emerging FUPWA) – I quickly “sucked it in” and “struck a pose”, which I do easily, then he snapped the photo.)
Here is my character logo:
Me and my mom. In Palm Beach, Florida. I was speaking at an event. She was my assistant. She always said she was “the best kind of help… FREE”.
Now I’m back… honoring my mother like old times. I now promote living the (Dont Exercise 2 Lose Weight) DE2LW & C.C.R.A.N. Lifestyle.
I am a fun fitness person. My common denominator:
Fitness is like fashion, it’s a fad. It always changes on the surface, to get your attention.
For people, like you and me, fitness is not a fad in it’s most basic principles. But to the “Aunt Mary’s of the world”, they need, want more, than doing endless “cardio” 5-6 times a week (in fat-burning-zone), strength training 2-3 times a week (3 sets of 10) and eating grilled boneless, skinless chicken breasts, (or 21.99/lb. REAL wild salmon) broccoli and brown rice.
People want to be able to eat what they want; when they want. The CCRAN Lifestyle teaches this.
“You have to start out how you want to end up”, was what my mother always said to me. I want to start out “ruffling feathers and laughing”… so that’s how I’ll end up I guess, making waves and smiling.
Watch out, Minky’s Back! Here comes The Storylistener, Sit Down Comedian & Heretic!
Till we meet,
P.S. Minky is a particularly sexy woman over 50. (NOT a Cougar!)
And a term of endearment for me.